The Last of Us: Memories of the Past
by Shadow2700
Summary: A few weeks after arriving in Jackson, Joel needs to confront his past before he can confront his future. Ellie wonders about what happened to the Fireflies and is ready to find out. Both take a journey into the fast and a place that will end up defining their lives.


_The Last of Us: Memories of the Past_

* * *

Life in Jackson was about as normal as it could be in a post-apocalyptic world, but Joel had done everything in his power to give his 'baby girl' a chance at a normal life. Still, he knew things would never be normal for him or her. For him, he had lived in the world before the outbreak and he still had his daughter with him and every day that had passed since that day of horror was another that he had to live without her. But he had done that for over twenty years always wondering about what if of her life. It almost killed him on multiple occasions and he fought for years to find a reason to keep surviving. Ellie had been his savoir, something he probably would never tell her but would always care for her and protect her.

And he would try everything to give life some normalcy for her but he knew that she could never have a normal life either because of what she was. She was immune for how long he didn't know but it had been over a year and the mark on her arm was still the same as it was when she had shown him back in Boston. He doubt that she would ever turn and it was the reason he had murdered the surgeons and Fireflies in cold blood to make sure they would not find her, something that he knew he would have to tell her one day but for now would be patient and wait until she asked him. But he still felt as though he needed to finally put the past to rest and had been planning a trip for the past few months to put his demons to rest. For now though, sitting in his chair and thumbing through a copy of _The Great Gatsby_ that he had come across in gathering supplies was comfort enough while Ellie lay down on the couch next to him.

"You sure you don't want to read this? It's more entertaining than those comic books you always go on about." Joel quietly asked her as he flipped another page.

"You're kidding right? These comic books are so much better than a book like that thing!" Ellie exclaimed as she flipped a page as well.

"You'll have to learn to read more than those comics eventually. It's actually not bad once you start it." Joel remarked in a gruff voice.

"Whatever you say you old geezer." Ellie scoffed as she turned her attention back to her comics. Joel smiled at her reaction. Reason being that she had been distant from him ever since they had returned to Jackson and moments like that for her had been rare. The past events of the year had left her emotionally scared and he wondered if she knew about his lie to her. Like it or not, she was a smart kid and she could pick up on many things and no doubt she had picked up on that.

"Alright kiddo, enjoy those comics you'll get bored of them eventually." Joel chuckled as he marked the page he stopped at and would pick up another time.

"I doubt that considering how good the stories are." Ellie laughed as she turned to look at him.

"I thought the same thing too at your age. Things change Ellie, always have and always will." Joel said tilting his head back and closing his eyes in rest.

"So you started reading that stuff? I thought that wasn't your type of thing with the sentimental bullshit and inner thoughts of characters." Ellie smiled closing her comic and pulling up her legs to her chest.

"Like I said, things change and entertainment in this world is hard to come by." Joel shifted himself in his chair while scratching his beard.

"Well I know about things like arcades and music, but what was entertainment back then? I know you don't always talk about the past but I'd like to know." Ellie said quietly while looking at the fire crackling in their fireplace.

Joel sighed quietly at her attempts to get him to open up. She always tried and he rarely ever actually did because it was painful to speak about considering their only concerns now were to survive and make it through the next day. But there were moments that he did open up, each time a little easier.

"The best way I can put it is that people back then didn't have the same concerns they do now. There was still war going on between countries, people still fighting over power, pretty much what I've told you before once or twice but you never bothered to listen." Joel chuckled teasing her.

"Hey screw you! We were usually on the alert for fucking clickers or hunters!" Ellie defended herself before flipping him off.

"Yeah, yeah…anyways, like I said there was war going on, economic problems, just stuff that in today's world means bullshit. There actually used to be an old saying back then that applied to everyone." Joel chuckled a little more loudly.

"What was it?" Ellie's curiosity being peaked.

"There were two things you couldn't escape from in life…death and taxes." Joel smiled slightly opening his eyes.

"Why would you be concerned about death and…what was it…taxes?" Ellie asked slightly confused. Joel simply smirked in amusement.

"It was something we all had to pay to our government for what they called public services like officers, firefighters, road services." Joel explained to her sitting up in his chair while taking a drink of water, thanks to the water purifier the town had built.

"Sounds like a good thing if you ask me." Ellie remarked.

"Eh it was in theory, but people in power got greedy and usually didn't do what they were supposed to do and took money for themselves or used their influence to make money, but that was most of the big business. Fucked up as it sounds, this world somehow cleansed majority of people like that." Joel scoffed in amusement.

"Guess the world was pretty fucked up before I was born." Ellie replied with a sense of disappointment.

"Well it wasn't all terrible, if people accepted it as part of life then they simply did their jobs and lived a happy life with families, cars, the works. They'd watch crap reality TV and stupid dramas that were sappy or made no sense to me, but hey I liked watching renovation shows, sports, and westerns so I guess I'm not better." Joel turned to look at her who was now really interested in what he had to say.

"What were those things like for you? I know that they were big but we really never got to really discuss them. So please?" Ellie asked him leaning forward.

"If I tell you, will you get to bed early? We need to be up first thing in the morning and need rest." Joel asked of her.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll go to bed like a good little girl. Now come on! Tell me what they were like!" Ellie exclaimed with excitement. Joel couldn't help for smile at her eagerness to learn. Even if he didn't want to be reminded of his old life, she was helping him accept it. So for the next half hour, he explained in detail everything about what sports meant to him and society in greater detail than what he had a few months prior, the same with renovation shows, dramas, westerns, all the things he used to enjoy.

"So people could really make a lot of money if they were good at stuff like that?" Ellie questioned him after a while.

"That's right, it wasn't just about survival. But it was a big thing back then, mainly to take a person's problems away from their mind for a few hours." Joel explained.

"Man, people were really selfish back then." Ellie looked at him in disbelief.

"Well they are now too, but back then it was different. It's hard to explain fully without going back in time and teaching you, at least the American part of history. I'm surprised you didn't know about some of these things." Joel replied stretching his legs.

"Well sports and shit like that aren't exactly top priority in this world ya know but I know of them. Anyway, how far does history go back? I never really got to learn everything about history in the boarding school, only what was important they said." Ellie remarked fiddling with her fingers.

"Thousands of years but I think the American history will teach you the main things. Like what we saw at the Capital Building back in Boston." Joel replied looking at the clock. "And I think it's time for you to go to bed."

"Man, you're no fun sometimes." Ellie stuck her tongue at him. Joel simply scoffed with a smile.

"Never said I was." Joel replied getting and stepping over to the couch. "Come on now, get a move on."

"What about my guitar lessons?" Ellie asked him as she got up from the couch.

"They're be time for that later on. Right now we both need to get some sleep." Joel explained as he led her upstairs.

"What's so damn important that you won't tell me what it is?" Ellie stopped and turned her head. Joel sighed at her constant curiosity and her constant questions. He really did not know the best way to handle this with someone her age but he learned day by day.

"You'll find out in the morning, I swear." Joel promised her as he kept her moving to her room.

"Not the first time you said something like that…." Ellie whispered entering her room, she thought that she had kept her voice low enough so he wouldn't hear her.

Despite his age though, he could still hear just fine. Those words played at his heart, sending a pain through him more hurtful than any Clicker ever could do.

"Good night…baby girl…" Joel said so she could hear before closing the door. Ellie changed into night clothes and curled up into her bed, clinging to her pillow tightly.

'_Why did I have to say that? Damn it, I just wish he'd tell me what happened so that way we could get past this. We were doing so good just now. But…would I hate him, would I know want to be here with anymore?' _Ellie thought as she felt a tear fall from her eye.

'_I can't believe I even just thought about that. Joel is my world and I'm his…right?'_ Ellie thought closing her eyes with his words echoing in her head.

'…_Baby girl…'_

Joel sighed as he made his way down the hallway into his own bedroom and sat down on the bed. One day, he would have to tell the truth because she was a smart girl and eventually she would confront him about it. Hopefully these past few weeks of her becoming more open to him again would give him the courage to say what had happened and perhaps forgive him. Whether or not she would hate him, he had to try and explain that it was what he wanted and that he couldn't sacrifice the life of the person that was his reason for living, not without giving her that choice to make. Joel let out a few coughs from his allergies and fell back on the bed letting sleep consume him.

* * *

Joel, Ellie and Tommy looked around the perimeter of Jackson searching for any signs of Hunters or Infected and in the meantime scavenging any supplies from the nearby houses that were standing the test of time against the elements now reclaiming the land slowly.

"Mighty quiet out here right now. Nice for a change." Joel commented as he walked beside his family, ever ready to pull out his pistol and take out anyone that threatened them.

"Yeah, seems like things are calming down a pit. Doesn't mean that there still aren't hordes of Infected or Hunters out here though." Tommy said as he looked around the forest line for any sudden movement.

"It still seems like a bad idea to come out here by ourselves." Ellie remarked as she kept her eyes diligent while seeing a rabbit run by and some leaves brushing in the wind.

"You would have demanded to come with us anyway even if I said no. At least this way I can keep an eye on you." Joel replied with a stern tone in his voice.

"I can take care of myself." Ellie answered back with a frown.

"I know you can, but why chance it when I can help, same with Tommy." Joel said back with a smirk.

"Because you two are getting old and I'll have to do this myself one day. If this is why we needed to be up early, I think old age is already affecting you." Ellie retorted with a smile.

"Swear to God that she's just like you Joel." Tommy chuckled quietly stepping over a dead tree branch.

"Yeah well…not sure if that's a good thing. Stubbornness is not one of our best traits." Joel added as he looked inside a small tool shed. "You guys go check out the house there and see if you can find anything. Can't believe we haven't seen it before."

Ellie and Tommy nodded and entered the house quietly to make sure that if there were any occupants they could dispatch them quickly. Luckily it was a simple one story ranch house that had a minimal amount of rooms and was quick to be cleared. Ellie opened draws in the kitchen while Tommy checked out the bedrooms. Joel soon followed them inside and began to check the bathrooms as well. Coming back down the hallway, he noticed a string edging out from under the carpet and wondered what it led to.

"Ellie, can you watch guard up here for a minute? I think I may have found a basement entrance here." Joel replied as he pulled the string slightly.

"You're not actually going down there are you?" Ellie questioned him with some shock.

"Don't worry, I got Tommy with me. Just keep a look out and we'll be back quick. Come on Tommy." Joel motioned for him as he pulled the string up, revealing a door that led to a set of stairs into darkness.

Careful not to make a sound, Joel gently set the door to the floor while Ellie headed into the living room to keep lookout. Joel grabbed his flashlight and shined the light down into the dark room and luckily for once found that there weren't any Infected or spores waiting for them. It seemed the occupants had long been removed or gone from the house. Deeming it safe, Joel made his way down into the basement with Tommy in tow and both began to scavenge for anything useful with the rags, alcohol and scissors they had found.

"You want to tell me now why you've been so different today?" Tommy asked him as he opened a draw into a workbench that had a nice tool set inside. Joel didn't answer right away as he tried to find the right words to say.

"Joel?" Tommy asked him as he closed the draw opened another one.

"I need to go back home…need to take care of something." Joel answered as he closed a set of cabinets gaining the contents inside.

"There's nothing there for you Joel. House was near gone dry for anything of value…but that's not what this is about is it?" Tommy asked his brother only not to get an answer in return.

"Brother, I know it's hard, it still is for all of us. But you have someone to care for now, you can't just leave her and not say why. I told you this a few days ago remember?" Tommy tried to reason.

"And what if I did that to protect her? To make sure she wasn't killed by a Clicker or something? The reason I have to do this is because I need to fully accept what happened. Maybe then…I can finally learn to live with myself fully and be the person she needs, to be able to look her in the eye and tell her what happened in that hospital. God knows I'll probably go to hell for what I did, for what I've done for the last twenty years and honestly, I don't care considering that he's taken away my daughter from me. And I know that I don't deserve forgiveness from you or Maria, but if I tell her that before I'm ready to say it myself then I won't be able to live with myself, especially if she can't forgive me. But if I can forgive myself for what happened to Sarah, then I can at least live with what Ellie choses." Joel explained, sighing as he looked away from his flesh and blood.

"Sarah's death was not on you, don't let it tear you apart after all you've been through with Ellie." Tommy tried to reason with him.

"Then you need to let me do this. At worst, I'll be gone a month or two. I have two cars fixed up ready so I can use one of them. It's not what I want to do, but what I need to do. I don't expect you to understand." Joel groaned as he ran his hand through his graying hair. Tommy looked at his brother and found it hard to find the right words to say as the dripping sound of an old faucet hit their ears, defying the olds of Mother Nature.

"You're right, I don't understand or can't. But I know this, if you leave her again then she'll truly feel betrayed and this time…this time I don't think there would be any coming back from that. So before you go and do something selfish again, you think of that little girl upstairs and then you tell me that you can go back and see what's left of your house, of your old neighbor while his skeleton rots on the floor. It was selfish to save her life but at the same time an impossible decision to make, and believe me, the ends _barely _justify the means in this case from where I'm standing." Tommy said quietly but showed the anger in his voice just the same.

"Come on, she's waiting for us and we need to get a move on." Tommy added as he stepped up the ladder back to the main floor. Joel closed his eyes and thought momentarily about what his brother had said, only thinking of one thing.

"What a fucked up world we live in." Joel muttered climbing up the ladder and entering the living room to see Ellie by the window sill.

"Ready to go kiddo?" Joel asked her. Ellie didn't turn her head to meet him but continued to stare out the window.

"Yeah…I guess." She replied with a tone of dejection in her words.

"You alright?" Joel asked her. Ellie stood up from her seat by the window and made for the door and outside.

"I'm guessing she heard us. You'd better explain it to her when you get back to the town." Tommy suggested as he made for the door. Joel quietly followed them out and they began their walk back to Jackson, taking care of a few Infected along the way. Just before passing the gates, Joel stopped outside and looked towards the mountains in the distance.

"Hey Joel, you coming in or what?" Tommy called out to him with Ellie by his side.

"In a minute…I'm just admiring the view I guess." Joel replied, not wanting to face a particular dilemma tonight.

"Fucking old geezer." Ellie scoffed as she turned away and entered the compound. Tommy groaned pinching his brow.

"Stop! Both of you!" Tommy shouted loudly, not caring if Infected could hear them. Joel and Ellie stopped in and turned to face him slightly perplexed at his outburst.

"Now I don't know what is going to happen if you two don't settle out your differences but I will not have it in my town. I won't kick you out but if you don't get sorted, I will separate you two like a pair of grade school kids." Tommy warned them both.

"Tommy…." Joel began.

"No Joel, soon as we get inside we're gonna head to my office and you two are gonna solve this or at get it at least to a point where it doesn't cause so much trouble." Tommy ordered them as he headed inside the gate and directly into the building next to the gate.

"Guess we better get this over with." Ellie sighed following Tommy inside the building, Joel following them and feeling the dread overcome him. Joel closed the door behind and made his way over to one of the seats and sat down feeling his joints get the better of him.

"Starting to feel my age again." Joel groaned rubbing one of his knees.

"Told you were getting old." Ellie said plopping into the chair and crossing her arms. Joel turned to face her and looked at her with the best of smiles, something that he showed rarely.

"I was talking to Tommy…." Joel tried to say.

"Just…don't Joel…I know what you're already going to say. I fucking heard you in that house. So you're just going to leave me again? Just like everyone else has." Ellie looked at him with her hazel eyes, showing how upset she really was.

"Ellie I…." Joel tried to say.

"No Joel, just go ahead and leave. You break all your promises anyway, what's one more? What's another fucking lie?" Ellie just threw her hands in the air.

"Ellie, listen to me…"

"Why would I? I don't even know what happened with the Fireflies but I know what you said can't be entirely true. So go ahead and tell me another one then and…"

"Ellie!" Joel shouted at her, causing her to jolt in her chair. Joel realized his mistake and brought himself back down to a calmer level.

"Listen, I'm sorry I snapped at you baby, but if you can give me a few minutes to explain then I'll let you yell, shout or whatever at me." Joel looked at her with a calm look. Ellie looked at him with questioning eyes but remained silent.

"Alright, I know you aren't happy with me and probably haven't been for a while now. That's my fault entirely but I'm trying to protect you the best I can. Some things you aren't ready to hear or understand and yeah, maybe I went about it the wrong way. But I promise you that I did it for the right reasons. As for this trip, if you everything I said like you say you did, then I don't have to explain much then do I?" Joel looked at her clasping his hands together and looking at her.

"So you were going to leave me again right?" Ellie looked away from him.

"No, I wasn't. I'm giving you that choice yourself if you want to come with me or not. You don't know how hard it is for me to even give you that choice because if I lose you out there then…well then I don't what I'd do. But your stubborn, just like me. So I'm giving you a choice, something they didn't give you." Joel explained but making sure not to reveal too much yet.

'_Something they didn't you? What the fuck….'_ She thought before speaking again.

"So I can come with you then?" Ellie asked him. Joel sighed, feeling fear and dread fill him again.

"That's up to you. But I'm telling your right now, you know why I'm going. The only way you can come with me is if you're willing to put up with me one more time, willing to see what I see and at the end of it all if you want to ask me anything I'll be able to give you the answers." Joel offered her motivation to come with him and at the same time deter her to keep her safe. But he already knew what she would say.

"You aren't leaving me behind Joel, and I'm sure as hell not letting you go out there alone." Ellie said with determination in her voice. Joel gave a happy scoff at her answer.

"Somehow, I knew you'd say that." Joel chuckled at her answer.

"Are we going to be allowed to take any from here? Things like ammo, knifes, rifles?" Ellie asked him wanting to be prepared.

"Tommy told me a few days ago that if we went that he'd give each of us a semi-automatic rifle with about ten clips of ammo and twenty nine millimeter ammo clips. The only reason he'd give us that much is because he knows we can conserve our ammo and they've been able gather lots of ammo over the last year. You can also bring your hunting rifle for long shots. For me I'll have my shotgun and the machete and knife that Tommy gave me. We'll only be gone about two months at the most but we should only be gone a few weeks at the most." Joel explained to her.

"Sounds easy enough." Ellie replied back leaning forward in her chair.

"You wish it was. It won't be easy for me." Joel groaned standing up from his chair and looking out the window.

'_Guess even twenty years later he still has to live with pain.' _Ellie thought sadly.

"Can I ask you something?" Ellie watched him breath calmly and evenly. Joel didn't answer her but nodded a simple yes.

"Why can't you tell me what happened now? I know you said you had to accept those things yourself before you could, but don't I have a right to now as well? Maybe it would help us be able to live easier." Ellie offered him.

"I wish it was that easy, but there's things that I have to get through first. I told you I struggled with surviving for a long time before, that you have find something to keep fighting for. I found that but I still struggle and this I hope ends that struggle and hopefully when I tell you what I have to say then hopefully you can find that same thing to make living in this world all worth it." Joel replied placing his hands on the counter.

"I did but it went away with what you told me. Now I'm not so sure. A cure is what I survive for." Ellie quietly replied sitting back in her chair.

'_I was afraid she would say that…'_ Joel sighed then turned towards her with arms crossed.

"Get your things together, we're leaving in a few hours." Joel replied as he made his way to the door. Ellie sat in the chair for a few moments pondering what would be at the end of this road but she had the feeling she wouldn't like it or accept it.

She rose from the chair.

* * *

_One week Later_

* * *

"Alright then, what's your plan on taking those two out?" Ellie asked Joel who were kneeling behind a log from a distance watching two hunters conversed outside one of the old run down market's along the highway.

"Shouldn't be too hard to get rid of them, my concern is if there are any Infected inside the market that will come out." Joel answered back. Right now though he was really wishing that the truck they were driving hadn't run out of gas and we're forced to get gallons of fuel. The two cars parked in front looked perfect but they had to get rid of the two hunters first.

"Well they're talking like there's no Infected there so it should be clear. But if you want, I have an idea so see." Ellie said quietly as she grabbed a bottle and tossed it at the foot of the Hunters.

"What the fuck was that?!" one of them shouted as he and his partner looked around for where the bottle came from.

"What the hell are you doing girl?" Joel grabbed her arm questioning her.

"Seeing if I can lure any Infected towards them and if not, then scare them shitless." Ellie replied back at him. Joel simply sighed and let go of her arm.

"I want you to take that hunting rifle and have it ready to shoot the one that I don't go after. The one that went to the side of the building is the one I'll take care of. You take the one on the right as soon as I take out that one." Joel instructed. Ellie nodded as she pulled out the rifle and chambered a round while Joel quickly made his way to the market. Two seconds later he had the man in a choke hold and quickly down on the ground. Ellie quickly took aim and shot the Hunter dead watching him drop to the ground. Joel gave the all clear and Ellie moved her way up to him.

"Good shot kiddo. Let's check the market and see if there's any supplies. I'll get the fuel from the cars if there's any and then we can get out of here." Joel said as he began to cipher fuel from the cars. Ellie made her way into the market but quickly saw that for how small it was there wouldn't be anything of value in it.

"Go in and check Ellie." Joel instructed again.

"There won't be anything in there Joel, I can already see it." Ellie replied as she held the gas can for him.

Joel sighed and decided he didn't want to argue with her so he let her help him with this. The quicker they could get out the better. Five minutes later and the pair both had fuel ready for the truck and fortunately had only wasted a total of five bullets on their trek into Texas. The truck was luckily only a mile from the market and within an hour Joel had the truck filled up and they were already moving again. On the way back to it though, Ellie had been thinking about what Joel had promised her a week prior and could only wonder what he had kept from her.

"Joel, are we close?" Ellie asked him as she flipped through cassette's in the box they had brought along two days into their journey stopping by an abandoned house.

"We're 'bout an hour or so outside of it. Just…just need to be patient." Joel sighed while rubbing a hand over his eyes. Ellie took notice of his more nervous behavior and wondered how much this was affecting him.

"You OK?" she asked stopping her search of tapes and looking at him with concern in her eyes. Whatever he was keeping from her, she still cared for him on a deep level and wanted to make sure he was okay.

"Yeah…just…just a haven't been in here in a _long _time. Bringing back some memories….good and bad." Joel answered as he saw an old restaurant he had passed by a few times before the outbreak. "That place we just passed had some good steak."

Ellie just looked at him confused but shrugged as she resumed her search before quickly finding a name that stuck out to her.

"Eric Clapton….sounds cool." Ellie said pulling out the tape and placing it inside the player.

"He was one of the best players of his time. Always wondered what happened to him." Joel commented as he looked down the road and heard the familiar twang of guitar and snapping fingers.

"Figures that it would be played right at this point." He chuckled.

"What song is it?" she asked him leaning back in her chair.

"Just listen alright and listen to the words." Joel said quietly feeling his foot tap to the rhythm. Ellie did as he said and listened to the sounds of a guitar strumming gently with a snappy twang, drums keeping rhythm, back ground singers and the lyrics of obvious love for another woman.

"Change the world huh? Sounds sappy…but I understand what he's saying. Was this all he played?" Ellie asked Joel trying to keep his and her mind of the long boredom.

"He played electric guitar as well, and everyone considered him one of the pioneers of guitar. He and few other guys as well." Joel explained swerving slightly around a car that was flipped over.

"Like who?" she asked.

"Elvis Presley, the King of Rock and Jimi Hendrix, the man who changed what a guitar could sound like. Those three were true Gods of Rock N' Roll." Joel simply answered with a nostalgic tone.

"You think they lived through the outbreak?" Ellie asked another question.

"Can't say for certain if Clapton lived through it, he was very old and is probably dead by now. Hendrix and Presley were long dead before though. Both kicked the bucket in the 1970s." Joel explained to her wondering how many more questions she had.

"Damn, they were young. What killed them?" she asked him.

"How many more questions you got for me before we go on?" Joel turned to her with a smirk.

"Oh come on, I'm only asking questions on a long trip." Ellie defended herself crossing her arms.

"I'm just asking so I know what I'm in for. As for your question about what killed them, Hendrix died because of vomiting in his sleep and choking. Elvis's death though had a lot of questions that surrounded it, but it was the same thing with drugs and poor health." Joel answered her.

"It's weird how people acted back then. Not a care in the whole world." Ellie said with a disheveled tone. "But that song, is there any chance you could teach it to me?"

"I don't know that song but if you listen hard enough you'll be able to figure it out." Joel replied as he grabbed another tape with the words _Guitar Songs_ on it. He ejected the tape and put the tape in there with the strum of guitar playing over the speakers. Ellie began to drift off slightly before feeling the car drift to a stop. She regained her composure and saw that there was nothing ahead or any imminent danger.

"Joel, what's going on?" Ellie asked him. Joel didn't respond and just kept looking out the window. Ellie lent over and shook his shoulder. Joel tightened his grip on the wheel in response and seemed to focusing on something intently. Ellie looked in the direction and saw it was a sign that read _Austin, 10 Miles _pointing to the right.

"Joel…" Ellie began.

"It's fine, just trying….trying to get myself right for this." Joel sighed as he pushed the accelerator down and began to move again.

"You want to talk about it?" she asked him gently.

"No, maybe when we get to the house." Joel answered.

"How long then?" Ellie asked him.

"About twenty minutes…used to be a lot longer." Joel remarked. Ellie decided to not push the issue considering Joel was probably going through hell right now. Twenty minutes was worth the wait and twenty minutes came by soon enough as the truck came to a halt in front of a house that had seen better days but was still standing on its foundations. Ellie turned to Joel who's eyes were focused heavily on a window on the second floor. Ellie didn't need to ask him what was so important about it.

"Come on, can't sit here forever." Ellie reached over and shut the engine off.

"Just….just give me a minute. I'm not gonna be able to enter that door without bein' ready." Joel gruffly replied taking his hands off the wheel and shifting the truck into park.

Memories were returning in a flurry of that night and what he had lost and he needed to collect himself before he could move. A few minutes passed by and then he took a deep breath opened the truck door and got out. Ellie followed suit and walked next to him as he approached the front door and hesitantly but with all his strength turned the knob and opened the door. The dust that had settled rustled in the house to reveal a home that was devoid of life or Infected. An old couch and TV still sat there, untouched by human hands for twenty years and a kitchen just next to it with a study on the other side. Joel took slow steps inside and tried not to let it overcome him as he remembered everything about this place.

"Tommy was right, looks like it had been cleaned out long time ago." Joel muttered as he made his way back to the kitchen, seeing his smartphone that had long since died on the counter, turning to the cabinets and looking inside to see if anything was left. Ellie followed him and saw the phone, immediately picking it up.

"What the hell? Is this some kind of mirror? Really crappy if it is." Ellie remarked eyeing it over.

"It's a phone, something we used to talk to people over long distances with the use of antenna. Now it's just a useless piece of crap. Surprised no one took it." Joel remarked as he made his way over to his old study opening the doors. He saw the remains of his neighbor Jimmy Cooper, nothing more than skeleton and clothes and the worn blood stains on his shirt. Ellie walked up behind him and stared at the long dead body.

"Someone you knew?" she asked him putting the phone in her pocket.

"He was my neighbor. Him and his family were some of the first to go. He was the first man I killed that was infected. Scared Sarah half to death." Joel remarked as he turned around and back out towards the stairs.

"You're not going to see if you have anything left in the draws?" Ellie said as he stopped at the base of the stairs.

"You know why we're here and I know what you're asking me. Anything I'm looking for is up here." Joel answered back making his way up the stairs. Ellie was truly becoming scared now, scared that Joel would soon lose it and be unable to keep himself together. She rummaged through the draws in the study and kitchen for a few moments so she could give Joel some time to himself.

Joel reached the door that led to his nightmares and was genuinely afraid to turn the knob. He stood there for what seemed like an eternity as he wondered what he would do once he was inside. But he decided that it was time to face these demons. He turned the knob and opened the door.

Ellie had grown concern as the minutes passed by and she had no word or sound from Joel. She made her way to the stairs and started climbing hearing the creak of the wood with each one. Reaching the top she turned and made her way to the end of the hall way where the wall turned left with a dusty window in the middle. Quietly and patiently walking, she could hear the sounds of quiet sobs coming from the room with the door opened. As she made her way in, the room was a sight of what a teenage girl would have. There was a sports trophy still on the dresser, an old computer that had not been used in decades, a TV, a dresser, all relatively untouched. The shelves were barren and there was still a laundry basket in the corner with a night stand near it with a lamp on it. And on the bed, covers left untouched by a twelve year old girl had been disturbed again…by her father sitting on the bed, crying with a birthday card in hard.

"Joel?" Ellie asked with a broken heart seeing the man she always had believed to be the strongest person in her life. Joel looked up, tears slowly streaming down his cheeks into his beard. He didn't want her to see him like this but everything that he had held down about this place had finally shattered. Ellie didn't need him to say anything to her but she could tell he needed comfort. She gently made her way over to him and sat down on the bed next to him, grasping his hand in hers.

"It's okay to cry, you don't need to say anything else." Ellie said in a comforting voice. Joel didn't say anything and just let the emotions come out as he thumbed over the birthday card that was faded, somehow not taken by anyone or Tommy.

"Can I see it?" Ellie asked him, not expecting him to actually give her the card. But surprisingly he handed it to her and Ellie smiled at the dinosaur on the cover before opening it and reading what it said.

_You're Not a Fossil! (Yet), Happy Birthday_

_Dear Dad, Let's see…you're never around, you hate the music I'm into, you practically despise the movies I like, and yet somehow you still manage to be the best dad every year. How do you do that? _

_Happy Birthday Pops,_

_Love Sarah._

Ellie felt her heart drop at what was written. Joel was never able to fully talk about Sarah but she began to understand why. It was because even though all daughters had a bond with their father and mother, Sarah had a bond with Joel that no one else could. That was Joel's flesh and blood, someone he had created, someone he had cared for and failed to protect. It was what had made him the person he was now, but he had slowly begun to open up over this last year. Ellie doubted that he would ever fully open up to her, but that was okay, because when or if he decided to she would be there beside him. He wasn't her father and she wasn't his daughter, but it was the closest thing that they would ever have.

"You don't have to talk about her, let's just sit here and remember her. I think right now that she's actually watching us right now. Her spirit is still with us and I think her spirit is still in this room." Ellie comforted him squeezing his hand tight.

"Her spirit maybe here, but I hope her soul is far away from this place. I wish she was still here and in ways I'm glad she's not. She doesn't have to deal with the suffering of this world, she gets to rest and one day I'll see her again." Joel said wiping the tears from her eyes. Ellie watched as Joel looked around the room in a daze it seemed like.

"Never thought I'd be able to come back here again. I wish I could still stay here, it was mine. I stayed away from here for so long because I didn't want to deal with the memories of this place. And now I don't want to leave it behind." Joel said with nostalgia in his voice.

"I know…but we have a home to go to now. And I know that this place holds a piece of you but…but I don't know how to say what I want to say." Ellie tried her best to explain herself.

"I know what you're trying to say. But this is the last time I'll probably be able to ever come here so there's no need to explain it. This room, it means so much to me and it's taking everything I have not to break down completely. And no matter how much I wish things were like they used to be, it won't ever happen. So now it's going to be just another house that comes from another time and I'll carry Sarah's memory with me. I wish I could take this room with me, but I can't. And because of that, I think it's the best place for me to come clean with you." Joel explained, letting go of Ellie's hand and standing up from the bed. Calmly sighing, Joel stepped away from the bed and turned around crossing his arms.

"I told you before that I struggled a long time with surviving. When Sarah died, I was lost and just became….an animal. I have innocent blood on my hands and every time I think about that now, I think about what Sarah would think of me and how disappointed she would be. I wonder if she would hate me for it. The amount of times I've thought about putting that barrel to my head and offing myself came so many times. Tess saved me from being a savage but it didn't make me any less ruthless, it wasn't until you came into my life that I found a piece of myself again that I hadn't known in a long time." Joel said leaning against the dresser.

"Joel…" Ellie quietly said as she tried to process everything he had just told her. She couldn't think of him as such and twisted person. Sure she had known him as a ruthless killer but she had only known it to protect her.

"I survived, I killed, I tortured for two decades because humans are still animals and they can be reduced to animalistic instincts. I've never eaten another person, but you know the lengths people will go to. That fucker that tried to do something unspeakable to you is lucky that _I _didn't get to him before you did. The things I would have done to him are a hundred times worse than what you did to his face." Joel growled lowly thinking about the man that haunted Ellie's nightmares. Ellie knew who he meant too and was grateful to know that Joel felt the same about him as she did, and she hoped one day the nightmares may stop for her.

"That's who I became though because of this world. We were all forced to become animals, even those in the military and the Fireflies. I became an animal and I'm trying to not be that anymore for you Ellie. But I have to tell you what I did before I can start that part of life. If you hate me for it, I won't hold it against you but know that I did it for the both of us." Joel emphasized his point to her. Ellie didn't say anything and was afraid of what he was going to tell her.

"You want the truth from me then here it is. The Fireflies took us from the river and saved us, but they kept us separated. They were prepping you for surgery without telling you, they were going to kill you. Marlene told me that the fungus wrapped around your brain but it wasn't turning you into an Infected because of some mutation in you that prevented it, first of its kind. They wanted to take your brain out to study it and try to create a vaccine, which would have killed you." Joel explained to her. Ellie felt her stomach drop at the implications of what Joel possibly did to stop them and the thought that they never even gave her the choice to do that.

"I wasn't going to let them do that." Joel said with a stern approach in his tone.

"What…what did you do? Please tell me that you…that you didn't…" Ellie pleaded with him, afraid of the answer.

"I did. Anyone that stood in my way. One of the surgeons gone, the other two left alive and any Firefly I had to take out along the way. Some lived, some didn't. I wasn't going to let them kill you on a theory. " Joel simply answered, thinking the only way to say it was to be blunt.

"You…you killed them?" Ellie asked, feeling her stomach drop again but felt her anger rise up.

"Yes. They gave me no choice." Joel replied, sighing as he tried his best to not try and embrace her. She was visibly upset with him at the moment.

"And Marlene?" Ellie asked quietly. Joel didn't answer her, but he didn't need to. Ellie could tell by his tale and his seriousness that he had done it. Marlene wouldn't have stopped, she knew her well enough to know that.

"So you killed her too? You killed the only chance that humanity had at a cure you fucker! I told you that I wanted to make sure at the end it was all worth something!" Ellie leapt from the bed, breathing heavily with her anger now in full force.

"Even if it was worth your life?" Joel calmly asked her.

"Yes! I lost so much because of this fucking shithole world! You're not the only one who lost something you know Joel! I lost Riley and Tess and Sam and Henry. It had to be worth something in the end and it could have been! Why would you do that?!" Ellie shouted at him, shoving him back against the dresser.

"Because I wasn't going to lose you!" Joel shouted back grabbing her by the shoulders.

"You son of a bitch! I could have been the cure for humanity and instead you save me because you wanted to make sure you didn't lose your daughter again! I'm not your daughter and I never will be, but in the end you were just selfish cared about yourself!" Ellie shouted hitting him repeatedly against his chest.

"Ellie, if I was selfish I would have left you behind there. If they had taken me to you then I would asked you myself if you would want to sacrifice yourself and if you said yes then I would have offed myself as soon as I saw Tommy one last time after you had died. But they were just as selfish as I was for not giving you that choice! And what if they couldn't find the cure? Your death would have meant nothing!" Joel said grasping her arms tightly.

"And if they did then it would have meant a cure!" Ellie shouted loudly with tears streaming down her face.

"Then what?! You've seen what the world has to offer now! Cannibals, rapists, murders roam the land. What would we do with them? The world is fucked up Ellie and you know it. The cure for humanity might be a blessing but the people in it don't deserve it. The world as it is right now doesn't deserve saving." Joel replied, speaking a harsh truth about the world.

"You're right, a lot don't deserve it, and you especially don't." Ellie looked at him with an anger filled expression.

"Then take your gun and shoot me. I've already lost one daughter, if I lost another then I'll just off myself in a few days. That card you're holding shows the reason I saved you. You may not be my flesh and blood but it doesn't make it any less true what you mean to me. A cure isn't worth giving up the person that gives me a reason to survive or a reason to be human again." Joel let go of her and put his hands in his pockets. Ellie simply stood in front of him backing away slightly as she looked for every reason to hate him, every reason to disown him, but there was none she could rationally find.

"Why couldn't you just let me go? I could have saved the world." Ellie said quietly.

"You _could _have Ellie, but if not, it would have been for nothing. Riley and Tess, they wouldn't have wanted you to sacrifice yourself. Neither would have Sam or Henry, or Tommy and Maria. The world we live in is a terrible place and doing what Marlene wanted to do, would have just made it worse. Saving you showed us that there's still hope for humanity. Killing a girl who isn't even considered an adult by many and still just a kid is a sign that humanity isn't ready to be saved. And I think that before we can have a cure, we need to save our humanity first. I was selfish, but it was the first shred of humanity I truly had in a long time. If you wanted to go through with it, it had to be _your _choice, something Marlene never gave you. You'll have life ahead of you and hopefully the world gets better. For me though, it's been gone far too long and I doubt if I'll live to see that day. But what keeps me going on is you Ellie and you have to find the same thing, whether it's the cure or to see humanity return to this world. I was an animal, protecting his kin and I don't regret what I did to protect you. If you hate me for it, then so be it. But I love you like I loved Sarah." Joel sighed and closed his eyes and waited for Ellie's response.

His response was a pair of arms wrapped around his waist and tears soaking his plaid shirt. Joel wrapped his arms around her and returned the embrace.

"Why didn't you just tell me that?" Ellie sobbed quietly in his shirt.

"Because I was scared and because I wanted to absolve you of any guilt you felt. You weren't ready for it and neither was I. I'm sorry." Joel apologized as he rocked her back and forth.

"It's okay, but it's not fair that I have to die and leave you alone again for any chance at a cure. It's not fair to see Riley, Tess, Sam, Henry, all their sacrifices be in vein." Ellie cried.

"I know baby girl…I know. But they had hearts and they wouldn't want you to die like that. Tess as ruthless as she was, she wanted to see you live a happy life too, I'm sure of it. Maybe there are others out there like you. But I'm not losing you, and I hope you won't hate me for it." Joel said, feeling his heart grow heavy at his own actions, now fully realizing what they may have meant.

"I don't, I don't…I feel the same way like Sarah did. Just please…please trust me now. That's all I want." Ellie felt her cries stop and let herself fall into his embrace, his fatherly embrace she thought. She would never be his flesh and blood…

'_But he'll always be my dad…'_

"I swear…I'll always trust you Ellie. But with that trust comes your trust for me to protect you. Do you trust me?" Joel looked down at her as she lifted her head up, hazel eyes red and teary.

Ellie nodded and rested her head against his chest as he held her. Joel rocked her back and forth in the room where his first daughter had slept, in the home he had bought for them in another time in a symbolic piece of poetry and harmony that showed him it was ok. His second daughter, not blood or flesh, but his daughter regardless cried in tears of joy and sorrow. And as they stood there he thought that one day he would hopefully see his Sarah again if he could after all he had done. For now though as they took the birthday card and the sports trophy on the dresser and placed them in their backpacks and left the room, with Joel taking one final look at it, he smiled wearily thinking happy thoughts. Joel then had Ellie help him move a dresser from his old bedroom that was barren of anything useful to them and place it in front of the door frame to Sarah's room. He reached in and grasped the door handle pulling it towards him.

'_I'll see you again one day Sarah, but for now, I have to watch over your sister…sleep well…baby girl…'_ Joel thought as he shut the door one final time, thinking of all the times he had shut it after putting her to bed when she fell asleep like, or all the times he was mad at her or when she was upset with him. Joel let go of the door knob and turned away to let time and the elements reclaim it, but hopefully never to have anyone else ever disturb it again.

* * *

_Five Days Later_

* * *

The trip had been fairly easy and quick, much to Tommy and Maria's joy when they saw them again. Of course Joel was reluctant to share the story right away but promised that he would when they were alone, brother to brother. Joel had given Ellie her space for the last few days to process everything that she had learned especially on the way back to Jackson when she had remained silent throughout the ride home. Joel was glad they hadn't run into any Infected or any other hostile survivors along the way. He was sure that wouldn't have been the best time to encounter anyone like that.

So he left her alone for the last few days to gather herself together and spent his time playing guitar when he wasn't on guard duty by the walls or scavenging for supplies with the others. And when he wasn't doing that he was sitting on his porch and watching the trees blow in the breeze, wondering about what other cities were being overcome by nature. Boston was proof that buildings were falling. He could only imagine what New York looked like now. The idea though of all the Infected in there though made his skin crawl. A cure against them would be a God send, but then what? Kill them off one by one with their limited ammo or any limited amount of bombs left. What good would it do? Cure or not it would take years, decades before the world could be considered normal. It was the reason he didn't try to think about it. He was actually so lost in thought that he didn't feel the presence of another person sit next to him.

"You losing yourself in your old age?" Ellie joked with crossed legs.

"Yeah, I guess so. But I'm not that old yet." Joel gruffly replied leaning back in his chair.

"You don't have to be by yourself you know. You've been avoiding me the last few days, why?" Ellie asked him leaning forward in her chair.

"I figured…you'd need some time to yourself to think things through. You were really quiet on the ride back here so I…"

"You thought I was thinking and needed time alone, I get it. I didn't need time alone, I needed someone to talk to." Ellie replied slightly upset. Joel hung his head down in disappointment.

"Guess I screwed up again…" Joel half joked, half serious.

"No, you didn't. I guess we just live in a world where screwed up shit happens. But…but I feel a mix of different things going through my head but the sure thing I feel is…hope." Ellie tried to explain to him rocking back and forth.

"Hope huh…that's something I haven't felt in a long time, maybe one day I can learn again. Is that your reason for surviving?" Joel asked her looking at it her with gentle eyes, eyes that he had not had since Sarah was alive.

"That…and you Joel. We're in this together to the end and hopefully, you'll get to see a better world before you go." Ellie smiled standing up from her seat and standing next to him.

"I have faith. But you're my reason for surviving too you know. We've been through too much to let it go to hell." Ellie smiled to him. "I know this sounds weird but…can I sit with you? I don't feel like being alone right now."

Joel simply smiled as he scooted over in the oversized chair to give her room. Ellie took the space up and rested her head against his shoulder while Joel wrapped a protective hand gently on top of her hair.

"There's nothing wrong with wanting to be close to your daddy, baby girl." Joel comforted her, enjoying the comfort of her company.

"I'm glad that you're here. I'm glad that you think of me like you think of Sarah." Ellie quietly said feeling warm from his embrace.

"You want me to teach you some more guitar chords tonight?" Joel asked her.

"Maybe, but I like this right now. I've been teaching myself a few things as well but…it'd be nice to have someone teach me again." Ellie smiled at him. Joel didn't need to hear anything else, he knew she wanted to practice tonight.

"Do you think I could read that book you have? What was it, _The Great Gatsby_?" Ellie asked him.

"I thought you didn't want to read stuff like that." Joel replied with a mocking tone but a smile behind it.

"If you think it's interesting then I guess it can't be half bad. You are a good role model after all and I thought I should read it." Ellie explained.

"I'm not a good role model, I can't get you to stop swearing your head off or get you to listen half the time." Joel chuckled.

"Eh go fuck yourself, I'm a teenage girl, shit's going to get worse for you." Ellie giggled, never one to miss a chance to swear. Joel just let her have this round, there would be more to come considering what she said was true.

"Do you think me of as your dad?" Joel asked her watching a flock of birds fly into the sun. The question threw Ellie off for a moment but she was smart and knew that he would ask something like that after all this.

"Yes, crazy as it fucking is, yes. We'll take it one day at a time." Ellie smiled closing her eyes.

'_Girl is smart. She'll be an amazing leader one day.'_ Joel smiled as he let Ellie fall asleep and for the first time in twenty years felt some comfort and a sense of hope.

* * *

**A/N: The ending to The Last of Us was very open ended and I'm happy Naughty Dog left it like that for the fans of the game to discuss what could happen. There are rumors of a sequel coming to it but I would like it to have something like this in the story because I think it would add to the emotional impact of the game. It's just one of those stories that hits you hard on a deep level. That's what I tried to focus on in this, Joel and Ellie. The hardest part for me here had to be writing where Joel closed off the door to Sarah's room for the final time because there is sentimental value there and you know what memories were there. Similar to how a lot of people feel about college or high school or a childhood home. But even if they don't release a sequel (which I think they will), it's still such an impactful story.**


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